Free Speech: A "Constipational" Right

"Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances."

Seeing as how this is my first blog entry, I thought it apropos to kick things off with the First Amendment to the United States Constitution. A masterful piece of word-smithing, it exemplifies the practice of brevity in that it takes mere seconds to read and comprehend for most of us non-politicians, yet it manages to cover matters of religion, freedom of speech and peaceful assembly in a very simple, concise fashion.

All that, and yet an exhaustive number of Americans in this era -- Internet users in particular -- insist on demonstrating their woeful ignorance of this particular amendment. They can be found in chat rooms and forums everywhere; self-important goombas eager to tattoo the trappings of Free Speech across their foreheads for all to see, without having the slightest clue how the First Amendment givesFree Speech its meaning. Most couldn't even tell you which amendment ensures freedom of speech, much less have the savvy not to firmly declare any violation of their "constipational rights."

Instead, these maladjusted reprobates attempt to employ it as a means to say whatever they wish, whenever they wish, and in whatever manner they wish. Many go so far as to insist that it grants them the right to be heard, as if merely being ignored by the rest of the world is a violation of sacred Constitutional law. Were that the case, my personal right to Free Speech would have been violated by the 90% of readers who didn't make it past "self-important goombas."

Knowing full well that the know-nothing blowhards of the Internet fall squarely into that category, and will likely skip down to the first bold text they see, I'm going to explain what freedom of speech is not by Constitutional edict.

Freedom of speech does NOT give you the right to...

1. ...express your opinion...
2. ...mouth off to anyone you like...
3. ...make a total jackass of yourself...
   
4. ...have the rest of us listen to you...

...without being told to shut the hell up by your fellow citizens.

(Yes, this is a mix-and-match situation -- feel free to do so at your leisure.)

Not only can you legally be told to shut up, but you can expect to be made to shut up by those with the power and authority to do so. Who has that power and authority? Most prominently, chat and forum moderators representing established individuals who don't like what you're saying or the way you're saying it.

It doesn't stop there. Here's a list of more people who can make you shut the hell up in their venues...

• Property Owners
• Business Owners
• Corporations
• Professors
  
• Principals
  
• Deans
• Judges
• Mayors
• Sheriffs
  
• Governors
• Legislators
  
• The Secret Service
  
• Ex-Presidents of the United States
• Future ex-Presidents of the United States
  
• Webmasters
• Receptionists
  
• Chamber Maids
  
• Entertainers (except mimes)
  
• Various Species of Hermit Crab
  
• Al Franken
• ...and many, many more!
  Act now! Operators are standing by!
  

Yes, even your Aunt Edna can legally revoke your God-given right to her homemade oatmeal cookies if she doesn't like the way you turned your nose up at her deviled onion souffle. Why? Because she's not Congress! If you don't believe me, read the amendment again: "Congress shall make no law..."

So, with all these evil oppressors on the loose who are able to muzzle your impertinent mouth, what right does the First Amendment protect? The answer is quite simple...

Freedom of speech DOES give you the right to...

1. ...express your opinion...
2. ...mouth off to anyone you like...
3. ...make a total jackass of yourself...
   

...without being told to shut the hell up by Congress in an act of legislation ratified into law.

In other words, all things being equal, you can peaceably drone on about anything you please without fear of being arrested by peace officers and placed on trial in a criminal court of law.

That's the idea, anyway, but that's it. All else is fair game -- including civil court.

Bottom line? The First Amendment is not the all-powerful security blanket that so many Americans make it out to be. It does not grant you the right to say anything you want, any way you want, anywhere you want without repercussion or reprisal.

I'm a cynic, by nature, when it comes to my fellow human beings. That pretty much makes this post an exercise in futility for me, but I think it's a healthy one. If nothing else, it gives me a place to point these vacuous wretches, so I don't have to perpetually recount the finer points of Free Speech with every future encounter.